Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws

WHAT IT MEANS TO ‘CLEAVE’ UNTO ONE ANOTHER

One of the most challenging things for me when I was dating my future husband was to understand and to learn to love my in-laws. At the beginning things were easy – because there was not much of a commitment. Once he left to serve a faithful mission, however, the relationship between me and my future in-laws became strained because they did not think that I would wait for their son. There wasn’t a day that went by that my heart was not committed to my best friend and sweetheart. He returned from his mission and I was still there...to the shock and dismay of his parents. When we finally decided to get married, three years after his mission, the challenges of combining family traditions, creating new rules for our new family, and detaching ourselves somewhat from our families became real and not so easy. He was the oldest in his family of six kids and I was the second oldest in my family of eight. Both sets of parents had a tough time letting go. We pulled away anyway, but kept the lines open as much as we could...and should.

I wish I had read Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families by James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen way back then! In Genesis Chapter 2, verse 24, we are taught, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.” Many children are given a serious guilt trip when they break away and others are applauded by their parents. The applauding parent is the one I would like to be when my children leave home for good to get married. I learned a great deal from this reading assignment about the balance between establishing autonomy as a married couple and the potential dangers of enmeshment between married children and their parents.

HELPING NEWLY MARRIED COUPLES CREATE A MARITAL IDENTITY

What type of adult a child eventually becomes should be a matter of pride and joy for parents, not a matter of disappointment. Watching a child turn into an individual with his or her own marital and family identity should be encouraged by the parents. It is said that “Parents give their children two things: roots to grow and wings to fly.” 

An enmeshed family is one in which the parents simply cannot let go and the child goes along with it. Marriages can be strained and even destroyed by in-laws who cannot accept their child’s spouse with love and respect for their boundaries and differences. Too much contact between the child and parent can eventually lead the spouse to feel that the marital relationship is becoming smothered and distanced. Harper and Olsen note that “One of the great gifts parents-in-law can give to their married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple.” President Spencer W. Kimball taught with specific regard to husbands cleaving unto their wives that, “She, the woman, occupies the first place. She is preeminent, even above the parents who are so dear to all of us.” That leads us back to the scripture in Genesis regarding cleaving. 

ACCEPTING DIFFERENCES IS VITAL

Gloria Horsley (The In-law Survival Guide http://www.amazon.com/In-Law-Survival-Guide-Gloria-Horsley/dp/0471194239) offered some sound advice concerning five specific things that every parent-in-law should avoid. They are:

1. Giving advice
2. Criticizing
3. Pressing
4. Taking over disciplining grandchildren
5. Trying to control everyone and everything

As President Boyd K. Packer declared that marriage is indeed a shelter, I would like to add that the home is the specific place where that shelter for the family should be created as well. It is important for married couples and their children to establish a place of safety and shelter in their own home. We are all indeed different, and marriage is not always an easy adjustment and transition concerning extended family. But seeking the Lord’s guidance and counsel in every decision as a married couple can sure make marriage and family life a successful adventure. Although we need to declare our independence from our parents and allow our children to declare theirs from us, those roots will always remain with the family unit because we are all ultimately eternally bound.

Power, Councils, and Unity in Families

 

Righteous Power in Parenthood:

I was so thrilled to read Richard B. Miller’s article titled, Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families, this week. He begins by assuring parents that they are indeed the leaders of the family and should take on that role. In today’s world I see so much of the “tail wagging the dog” that it concerns me a great deal that parental responsibility is being shirked and overlooked simply by virtue of the fact that society has frowned upon telling kids, “no.” Miller points out that parents are the “executive committee and the board of directors” in the family unit. Children have roles as well, but parents are the CEOs. President Kimball once said that “Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…”  Joseph F. Smith warned against not checking our children in a wayward course. Joe J. Christensen added that kids are in desperate need of some good old “Vitamin N.” The N consists of a simple two-letter word that seems to be missing in kids’ worlds today. It is the power of the word “NO” that will nourish our children.

I really don’t like telling my kids no either. But I am aware that by omitting this word from my own vocabulary, I lead them to the idea that the world will always tell them “yes” when they want something and that I am not the parent in our relationship. Our Heavenly Father does not always tell us “yes,” so why should we parent any differently? “NO” can be a healthy alternative to spoiling a child and leaving that child with the false notion that the world revolves around him or her. I have already had my kids thank me for sometimes saying “NO” to them. They finally  have learned to appreciate my love and parental direction.

Family Councils:

In his book, Counselling with Our Councils, Elder M. Russell Ballard outlines the process and the effectiveness of councils within the family unit. I read this book in one of my past classes and quite enjoyed learning about how the church leaders counsel one another. Our family councils have always been designed in much the same manner. We open with a prayer, we have an agenda, we discuss the items on the agenda while listening to each family member’s ideas and concerns, and we try to come to a decision based on loving, caring, and Christ-like discussions. Ours doesn’t always work out as well and as smoothly as the councils that the Quorum of the Twelve manage to have. However, by patterning our family meetings after theirs, we bring the Holy Spirit into our home and have much more effective family councils as a result.

 

That We May Be One:

In May of 1988. Elder Henry B. Eyring gave a wonderful talk titled, That We May Be One, in which he addresses the necessity of unity in marriage. He said that “The Savior of the world spoke of that unity and how we will have our natures changed to make it possible.” Sometimes I think that it would take an act of nature to promote unity in my home. Sometimes it seems impossible to attain. However, Elder Eyring has promised us that if we are one in Christ, we shall be one in our marriages. Our entire purpose in having families is to unite our families, husbands, wives, children, grandchildren, and ancestors.

One of the best ways to ensure unity in a family is to invite the Holy Ghost to sanctify our marriages from the start. Elder Eyring said that “Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony.” So, the key to unity and harmony in the home is to invite the Holy Spirit into our homes and our hearts each and every day. We must do this through prayer and a conscious effort to be peacemakers in the home. I know that my husband and I want nothing more than to have the Holy Spirit in our home as a permanent fixture. We both grew up in large families where there was much contention and yelling. So, it has always been our goal to rid our home of these tendencies and invite the Holy Spirit in every way that we can. It is not always easy, but it has provided our kids with a peaceful home and hopefully some good habits to take with them when they establish their own homes someday. He is truly our guide, our friend, and our comforter.

 

SEXUAL STEWARDSHIP 

in MARRIAGE

 

When the Lord unites a couple in marriage, just as Adam and Eve were united in the Garden of Eden, each is given stewardship over the marriage as eternal partners with certain individual expectations. Temporal and emotional stewardship is primarily what we think of when we imagine each person's role for ensuring a successful marriage. However, I realized this week that we have a "sexual stewardship" over our spouse as well. Brother Sean. E. Brotherson wrote an excellent article on "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage" in which he explains how we should view sex in a marriage from the onset. He warns of three moral danger zones that are directly related to sexual expression and that most marriages fall victim to at one point or another. Most people falsely believe that marriage is its own "school of love" or "school of hard knocks," to be more precise, and that sexual responsibility simply must be learned along the way. Brother Brotherson described ignorance, inhibition, and Ill Will as three of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for sexual fulfillment" along with the three elements that characterize successful stewardship. They are agency, diligence, and accountability. Sexual satisfaction in a marriage is just as important (and perhaps more-so) as the far more openly discussed aspects to making marriage work.

 

IGNORANCE:

 

President Kimball has mentioned that the challenge of ignorance in a marriage is often a "silent wound" and, according to Bro. Brotherson, is perhaps "the most costly deficiency when it comes to sexual fulfillment between marital partners." We are admonished by our church leaders and by the Lord to seek further knowledge in all things. God himself is not vague in communicating our sexual stewardship through the scriptures, so we need to explore this powerful symbol that helps define a good marriage. We have our agency and "are expected to improve or enhance what we have been given," according to Dr. Brent Barlow, professor of family life at BYU.

 

INHIBITION:

 

Inhibition is the second challenge to sexual fulfillment in marriage. There are so many myths and beliefs that are circulated among couples once they become engaged. The Christian society is wrought with false ideas that sex is a dirty word and that sexual relations are, for some reason, unholy or are used for unholy purposes. We need to be diligent in seeking the truth of all things. Quite the contrary, our divine Maker has intended this strong attraction for holy impulses and for holy purposes beyond that of procreation. We should abandon the idea that these preconceived inhibitions should determine the satisfaction of our marriage. 

 

 

ILL WILL:

 

Ill Will is the third, and perhaps worst, danger to the emotional climate of a marriage. A marriage is doomed if these thoughts and emotions are not eliminated from the marriage and kept in check. It can be a real deal-breaker for some marriages. The scriptures can help us maintain a positive emotional environment in our marriage and help us to become accountable for our actions within the marriage. This is the part that interested me the most because my husband and I suffer from this when things get busy and we don't have much time to spend together. This time of the year is often the worst because I am off on school break (for work) and he is a Fire Marshal during the 4th of July period. It is one of his busiest times and one of my least busy times, so we often have misunderstandings...especially on my part. 

 

 

PERSONAL THOUGHTS:

 

I love the articles that we read this week in class because they couldn't have come at a better time for me. I learned that my answers (as usual) to the issues that I face in my own marriage are found directly in the scriptures. We have been given a list of great LDS appropriate marriage resources that I will also include at the bottom of my blog post for this week. Although fidelity was also discussed in this particular lesson, I felt particularly drawn to the information on stewardship. It is more than just making sure that you have time for one another in order to procreate and have a family. There are so many God-ordained aspects to our sexual stewardship in marriage and I am in awe of the beauty of it all!

Charity and Understanding

  

HIGH EXPECTATONS:

According to John Gottman, people with the highest expectations in their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages. Who knew? It is commonly assumed that if we lower our expectations and allow our partner to “measure up” to lower expectations, we will have a happier marriage in the end. This is apparently not the case. This is perhaps something that I need to learn in my own marriage and in dealing with issues between my husband and me.

Gottman studied couples who adjusted to high levels of negativity, irritability, and emotional disconnect were not as happy or satisfied with their marriages years later. On the contrary, those who did not want to put up with negativity and who encouraged their partner to confront the issue nicely when things got defensive ended up being more satisfied with their marriages years later.

CHARITY:

I wonder if I am doing the right thing by bringing up issues in my marriage. Sometimes I feel as if it was counterproductive and that perhaps I shouldn’t have even brought up the issue at hand. It makes me feel even more upset sometimes when we can’t really come up with a solution to the issue. I do see resulting changes that take place over time, however.  The key, according to Goddard, is to understand and actively promote charity for your spouse. One way to begin to introduce more charity in a marriage is to get rid of the garbage. Gottman calls this "marital poop."

MARITAL POOP:

Gottman also has a way with words as he introduces some helpful ways to “sniff out the marital poop” in a relationship. We have to admit that sometimes we just stink at marriage! Here are some great questions that we should first ask ourselves that will help us detect any “marital poop” that is festering. Gottman recommends that we revisit these questions often in order to keep our marriage free from the junk that can pile up.

Have you felt irritable and not yourself lately?
Are you feeling emotionally distant from your spouse?
Do you just want to be somewhere other than here?
Have you been feeling lonely?
Do you feel as though you’re always angry?
Are you feeling out of touch and far away from your spouse?
Would you like to feel closer to your spouse?

Have you been feeling tension between the two of you lately?
Have you felt irritable and not yourself lately?
Are you feeling emotionally distant from your spouse?
Do you just want to be somewhere other than here?
Have you been feeling lonely?
Do you feel as though you’re always angry?
Are you feeling out of touch and far away from your spouse?
Would you like to feel closer to your spouse?
Have you been feeling tension between the two of you lately?

ACKNOWLEDGE EACH OTHER'S DREAMS:

One of the steps that Gottman recommends for understanding your spouse is to recognize and acknowledge his or her dreams. Perhaps this is where I need the most work. I see my husband's dreams as lofty and unattainable. Since we have been married for quite some time, I always assume that I know what his dreams are. But lately, I have noticed that his dreams are not always the same. They change with age. Instead of considering my husband's dreams as impossible to attain, I could stand to recognize them, allow him to share them, and support his desire to fulfill his dreams. After all, if anyone can accomplish such lofty ambitions, my husband is the guy. He is the most committed and driven person I know and he never gives up on anything.

"CHARITY NEVER FAILETH":

Once you have sniffed out the "marital poop" and have turned toward your spouse with a sincere offering of charity, ridding your marriage of anger and resentment and recognizing their dreams instead of focusing on your own, the miracle can then occur. You can both become disciples of Christ by emulating His unconditional love for one another. Gottman said that "The surest mark of discipleship is the love for all people - i.e. charity." Marital love...the pure love of Christ is the key to a lasting and happy life together. Who wouldn't want that?

Anger, Compromise, & Effective Solutions

  

ANGER:

“Anger is a yielding to Satan’s influence by surrendering our self-control. It is the thought-sin that leads to hostile feelings or behavior. It is the detonator of road rage on the freeway,         flare-ups in the sports arena, and domestic violence in homes.” 

Agency and Anger - Elder Lynn G. Robbins Of the Seventy

I have taught 3^rd grade for over 10 years now and one of the most important posters that has adorned my classroom wall says, “ANGER IS ONLY ONE LETTER SHORT OF DANGER.” That is true of any relationship – whether it concerns 8 year olds or 80 year olds - and anger can certainly destroy a marriage.

My husband and I grew up in homes with many siblings and witnessed a great deal of anger over the years. When we got married, we made a pact to never let anger become an acceptable emotion in our household. We have kept to that pact because we realized growing up how anger can drive away the Holy Spirit and destroy the peace in our home. As Elder Robbins has stated, anger is ‘yielding to Satan’s influence’ and where Satan is welcome, the Spirit cannot and will not dwell. Anger is indeed a danger.

 

HATRED:

Hatred is another of cunning Satan’s tools. He is the king of hatred and animosity. Elder James E. Faust once taught that “Hatred retards spiritual growth..” Part of our spiritual growth is to embrace a higher law in all capacities of life…a celestial law. Since my husband and I have been married in the temple of the Lord for time and all eternity, we should be prepared to live that celestial law and practice it in our marriage daily in order to ensure a celestial marriage.

In Chapter 6 in this week’s reading, Goddard mentioned a talk by President Benson in which he explained that the ‘celestial law is not an economic experiment.’ Elder Maxwell adds that when we live that law, we actually ‘surrender to victory.’ By practicing a spirit of total submission, Goddard explains that we can be liberated as we offer our ‘whole soul’ to our spouse and, as Abraham of old did for the Lord concerning his son, Isaac, lay everything upon the altar.

NEGATIVITY:

Gottman says that we must overcome each negative with five positives. I have a system of rewards for my 3^rd graders where they earn “warm fuzzies” for every compliment they get from another teacher. But a “neglament,” as I like to call it when someone complains about their behavior, will automatically remove three warm fuzzies from the jar. It takes many more of the positive reinforcements to undo the negative ones. Once they get their jar filled to the top with the warm fuzzies, we have a party. So, in a strange sense, I guess I have had the same idea and agree with Gottman in his assessment of positive vs. negative effects. Once the damage is done, it is difficult to smooth things over with a spouse as well. Goddard says that eternal relationships must be built ‘one brick at a time’ and will withstand the winds of change and as a result. So how do we do this?

GOOD MANNERS:

I really appreciate the fact that Gottman has narrowed down some of the ways that we can have a more ‘perfect marriage.’ He does this by basically suggesting that we must practice something we have been taught all of our lives…good manners. His fifth principle details five steps to resolving marital conflicts – or any conflict in any relationship for that matter. These are the steps he mentions in Chapter 8: 

1. Soften your start-up
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults

 

FAMILY TIME:

This week I am spending time with my parents and seven siblings at a family reunion. All of our families have gathered in one place to celebrate our parents’ 50^th wedding anniversary. Of course, we had to ask our parents if it was all worth it. Their reply (primarily from the words of my mom) was simply, “It hasn’t been perfect by any stretch of the word, but we have learned to feel that we are perfect for one another.” Isn’t that what it’s all about?

Humility and Repentance -Antidotes to Pride

Beware of Pride:

President Ezra Taft Benson wrote an insightful talk concerning pride (Beware of Pride) and the pitfalls that almost always accompany prideful thoughts and actions. John M. Gottman, PH.D., explains two types of marital conflict that stem from individual pride - solvable and perpetual. H. Wallace Goddard, PH.D., discusses the ways that we can overcome pride in our marriages through repentance and humility. Reading these words of wisdom over the past few days promoted deep thought and consideration about my own daily struggles to avoid pride. I am sure that we can all relate on some level. Satan wants us to be prideful. Pride is one of the greatest of the deadly sins.

Enmity:

President Benson taught that "the central feature of pride is enmity - enmity toward God, and enmity toward our fellowmen." Pride usually manifests itself when we are in direct competition with the will of God. Victims of pride cannot accept the will of God. They hope that God's will, instead, will adjust to their own. This applies in marriage as well. While I am not in the habit of resisting the will of God, I often hope that my husband's will can adjust to reflect my own. I need to rid myself of selfish pride and understand why my husband feels the way he does. Goddard outlines in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage that the antidote to pride is humility. I often forget to humble myself and think about my husband's feelings and thoughts on certain matters that concern me. By making more of an effort to humbly examine my husband's viewpoints, perhaps pride will not be one of my deadly sins.

 Solving Disagreements:

Disagreements can either be perpetual or solvable, according to Gottman'sThe Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He offers five great ways for a married couple to solve issues that they may believe are perpetual in nature. These are the things he suggests:

1. Make sure your start-up is softer rather than harsh.

2. Learn the effective use of repair attempts.

3. Monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding.

4. Learn how to compromise.

5. Become more tolerant of each others' imperfections.

My Thoughts:

I can certainly take these five bits of advice and implement them into my 23 year marriage. Although I am probably pretty good at #3, learn how to compromise, I could certainly benefit from making my start-ups a bit softer, get better at my use of repair attempts, watch for signs of flooding during tense discussions, and become more tolerant of my husband's imperfections. It appears that I have a great deal of work ahead of me in my relationship. It is a good relationship with very little volatility for the most part. However, after many years of marriage, we still experience tense moments when we don't do as Goddard suggests and strive for the Mind of Christ. Becoming more Christlike in our daily encounters by removing pride from our personal lives and more particularly in our marriage can keep our marriage strong and allows us to don the "robe of righteousness," as Goddard suggests.

 Turning Toward One Another

Recognize Emotional Needs

This week's study brings us to the realization that one of the keys to a lasting and happy marriage lies in turning toward one another and not away. I think I needed to read this more than anything because I often forget to turn toward my husband and try to understand where he's coming from before assessing my own "needs" in our relationship. The relieving part is realizing (according to Gottman) that "Couples often ignore each other's emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice." I know that my ignorance to my husband's emotional needs does not stem from malice. I need to be more mindful of his needs and more attentive to what will turn my heart toward his.

Make Deposits to Your Emotional Bank Account

Dr. Gottman also explained that we need to keep an emotional bank account. This involves keeping an account in your head concerning the amount of connection between you and your spouse, even in little ways. It is not a competition, but a way for each person to keep an accounting of the small but meaningful connections that strengthen a marriage. It is not keeping score, just a way to be mindful of your spouse's needs. I have been doing this all week long and it really works. It is sort of like keeping Christ in our hearts and thoughts more often. When we hone in on turning more toward our spouse, our love becomes more Christlike and it grows stronger and stronger. 

 

Do We Often Have Double Standards?

One question to ask ourselves is why it is unforgivable when our spouse does something against us, and it's simply a 'mistake' when the shoe is on the other foot. It is natural for us to feel that way, but we need to change that perspective. According to H. Wallace Goddard, the Lord has "an amazing ability to transform our bad decisions into growth." I am often guilty of making off-the-cuff remarks and rash generalizations about my husband - deciding for him what he thinks of me. One of the ways that I have found to remedy those crazy notions and get over myself is to show more love for him; do more for him; and pray for him noting specific understanding of his daily challenges. Suddenly, I am able to transform my entire attitude and recall why I married him in the first place. That is exercising emotional intelligence.

Using Symbols to Define Your Marriage 

Chapter 11 in Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work stood out to me in particular. He discussed symbols and how they sometimes define marriages. Some people have symbols in their home that remind them of special things and beliefs, such as crosses or statues. In our home, along with paintings and sculptures of Christ's beautiful ministry, we picked up on a symbol that reminds us of our annual family vacation to Bryce Canyon. We have decorated our home with Kokopelli "guys" as we refer to them. They are a symbol of fertility by legend, but it simply reminds us of the place we like to tent camp, relax, and enjoy two weeks in God's most beautiful country as a family. It is our "happy place," you might say. So, whenever I run across a cute item with a Kokopelli guy on it, I get it for my husband. He does the same for me. Symbols can indeed strengthen a marriage...who knew?