Charity and Understanding

  

HIGH EXPECTATONS:

According to John Gottman, people with the highest expectations in their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages. Who knew? It is commonly assumed that if we lower our expectations and allow our partner to “measure up” to lower expectations, we will have a happier marriage in the end. This is apparently not the case. This is perhaps something that I need to learn in my own marriage and in dealing with issues between my husband and me.

Gottman studied couples who adjusted to high levels of negativity, irritability, and emotional disconnect were not as happy or satisfied with their marriages years later. On the contrary, those who did not want to put up with negativity and who encouraged their partner to confront the issue nicely when things got defensive ended up being more satisfied with their marriages years later.

CHARITY:

I wonder if I am doing the right thing by bringing up issues in my marriage. Sometimes I feel as if it was counterproductive and that perhaps I shouldn’t have even brought up the issue at hand. It makes me feel even more upset sometimes when we can’t really come up with a solution to the issue. I do see resulting changes that take place over time, however.  The key, according to Goddard, is to understand and actively promote charity for your spouse. One way to begin to introduce more charity in a marriage is to get rid of the garbage. Gottman calls this "marital poop."

MARITAL POOP:

Gottman also has a way with words as he introduces some helpful ways to “sniff out the marital poop” in a relationship. We have to admit that sometimes we just stink at marriage! Here are some great questions that we should first ask ourselves that will help us detect any “marital poop” that is festering. Gottman recommends that we revisit these questions often in order to keep our marriage free from the junk that can pile up.

Have you felt irritable and not yourself lately?
Are you feeling emotionally distant from your spouse?
Do you just want to be somewhere other than here?
Have you been feeling lonely?
Do you feel as though you’re always angry?
Are you feeling out of touch and far away from your spouse?
Would you like to feel closer to your spouse?

Have you been feeling tension between the two of you lately?
Have you felt irritable and not yourself lately?
Are you feeling emotionally distant from your spouse?
Do you just want to be somewhere other than here?
Have you been feeling lonely?
Do you feel as though you’re always angry?
Are you feeling out of touch and far away from your spouse?
Would you like to feel closer to your spouse?
Have you been feeling tension between the two of you lately?

ACKNOWLEDGE EACH OTHER'S DREAMS:

One of the steps that Gottman recommends for understanding your spouse is to recognize and acknowledge his or her dreams. Perhaps this is where I need the most work. I see my husband's dreams as lofty and unattainable. Since we have been married for quite some time, I always assume that I know what his dreams are. But lately, I have noticed that his dreams are not always the same. They change with age. Instead of considering my husband's dreams as impossible to attain, I could stand to recognize them, allow him to share them, and support his desire to fulfill his dreams. After all, if anyone can accomplish such lofty ambitions, my husband is the guy. He is the most committed and driven person I know and he never gives up on anything.

"CHARITY NEVER FAILETH":

Once you have sniffed out the "marital poop" and have turned toward your spouse with a sincere offering of charity, ridding your marriage of anger and resentment and recognizing their dreams instead of focusing on your own, the miracle can then occur. You can both become disciples of Christ by emulating His unconditional love for one another. Gottman said that "The surest mark of discipleship is the love for all people - i.e. charity." Marital love...the pure love of Christ is the key to a lasting and happy life together. Who wouldn't want that?