Anger, Compromise, & Effective Solutions

  

ANGER:

“Anger is a yielding to Satan’s influence by surrendering our self-control. It is the thought-sin that leads to hostile feelings or behavior. It is the detonator of road rage on the freeway,         flare-ups in the sports arena, and domestic violence in homes.” 

Agency and Anger - Elder Lynn G. Robbins Of the Seventy

I have taught 3^rd grade for over 10 years now and one of the most important posters that has adorned my classroom wall says, “ANGER IS ONLY ONE LETTER SHORT OF DANGER.” That is true of any relationship – whether it concerns 8 year olds or 80 year olds - and anger can certainly destroy a marriage.

My husband and I grew up in homes with many siblings and witnessed a great deal of anger over the years. When we got married, we made a pact to never let anger become an acceptable emotion in our household. We have kept to that pact because we realized growing up how anger can drive away the Holy Spirit and destroy the peace in our home. As Elder Robbins has stated, anger is ‘yielding to Satan’s influence’ and where Satan is welcome, the Spirit cannot and will not dwell. Anger is indeed a danger.

 

HATRED:

Hatred is another of cunning Satan’s tools. He is the king of hatred and animosity. Elder James E. Faust once taught that “Hatred retards spiritual growth..” Part of our spiritual growth is to embrace a higher law in all capacities of life…a celestial law. Since my husband and I have been married in the temple of the Lord for time and all eternity, we should be prepared to live that celestial law and practice it in our marriage daily in order to ensure a celestial marriage.

In Chapter 6 in this week’s reading, Goddard mentioned a talk by President Benson in which he explained that the ‘celestial law is not an economic experiment.’ Elder Maxwell adds that when we live that law, we actually ‘surrender to victory.’ By practicing a spirit of total submission, Goddard explains that we can be liberated as we offer our ‘whole soul’ to our spouse and, as Abraham of old did for the Lord concerning his son, Isaac, lay everything upon the altar.

NEGATIVITY:

Gottman says that we must overcome each negative with five positives. I have a system of rewards for my 3^rd graders where they earn “warm fuzzies” for every compliment they get from another teacher. But a “neglament,” as I like to call it when someone complains about their behavior, will automatically remove three warm fuzzies from the jar. It takes many more of the positive reinforcements to undo the negative ones. Once they get their jar filled to the top with the warm fuzzies, we have a party. So, in a strange sense, I guess I have had the same idea and agree with Gottman in his assessment of positive vs. negative effects. Once the damage is done, it is difficult to smooth things over with a spouse as well. Goddard says that eternal relationships must be built ‘one brick at a time’ and will withstand the winds of change and as a result. So how do we do this?

GOOD MANNERS:

I really appreciate the fact that Gottman has narrowed down some of the ways that we can have a more ‘perfect marriage.’ He does this by basically suggesting that we must practice something we have been taught all of our lives…good manners. His fifth principle details five steps to resolving marital conflicts – or any conflict in any relationship for that matter. These are the steps he mentions in Chapter 8: 

1. Soften your start-up
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults

 

FAMILY TIME:

This week I am spending time with my parents and seven siblings at a family reunion. All of our families have gathered in one place to celebrate our parents’ 50^th wedding anniversary. Of course, we had to ask our parents if it was all worth it. Their reply (primarily from the words of my mom) was simply, “It hasn’t been perfect by any stretch of the word, but we have learned to feel that we are perfect for one another.” Isn’t that what it’s all about?