Turning Toward One Another

Recognize Emotional Needs

This week's study brings us to the realization that one of the keys to a lasting and happy marriage lies in turning toward one another and not away. I think I needed to read this more than anything because I often forget to turn toward my husband and try to understand where he's coming from before assessing my own "needs" in our relationship. The relieving part is realizing (according to Gottman) that "Couples often ignore each other's emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice." I know that my ignorance to my husband's emotional needs does not stem from malice. I need to be more mindful of his needs and more attentive to what will turn my heart toward his.

Make Deposits to Your Emotional Bank Account

Dr. Gottman also explained that we need to keep an emotional bank account. This involves keeping an account in your head concerning the amount of connection between you and your spouse, even in little ways. It is not a competition, but a way for each person to keep an accounting of the small but meaningful connections that strengthen a marriage. It is not keeping score, just a way to be mindful of your spouse's needs. I have been doing this all week long and it really works. It is sort of like keeping Christ in our hearts and thoughts more often. When we hone in on turning more toward our spouse, our love becomes more Christlike and it grows stronger and stronger. 

 

Do We Often Have Double Standards?

One question to ask ourselves is why it is unforgivable when our spouse does something against us, and it's simply a 'mistake' when the shoe is on the other foot. It is natural for us to feel that way, but we need to change that perspective. According to H. Wallace Goddard, the Lord has "an amazing ability to transform our bad decisions into growth." I am often guilty of making off-the-cuff remarks and rash generalizations about my husband - deciding for him what he thinks of me. One of the ways that I have found to remedy those crazy notions and get over myself is to show more love for him; do more for him; and pray for him noting specific understanding of his daily challenges. Suddenly, I am able to transform my entire attitude and recall why I married him in the first place. That is exercising emotional intelligence.

Using Symbols to Define Your Marriage 

Chapter 11 in Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work stood out to me in particular. He discussed symbols and how they sometimes define marriages. Some people have symbols in their home that remind them of special things and beliefs, such as crosses or statues. In our home, along with paintings and sculptures of Christ's beautiful ministry, we picked up on a symbol that reminds us of our annual family vacation to Bryce Canyon. We have decorated our home with Kokopelli "guys" as we refer to them. They are a symbol of fertility by legend, but it simply reminds us of the place we like to tent camp, relax, and enjoy two weeks in God's most beautiful country as a family. It is our "happy place," you might say. So, whenever I run across a cute item with a Kokopelli guy on it, I get it for my husband. He does the same for me. Symbols can indeed strengthen a marriage...who knew?