HAPPY AND SECURE MARRIAGES
Did you know that there are seven basic
principles for making marriage work? Until this week, I certainly didn’t. In
fact, I was pretty confident that my marriage was healthy and quite secure. As
I read the first few chapters of Dr. John M. Gottman’s book by the appropriate
title, The
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I realized that my happy and
secure marriage could actually use a little work...perhaps a lot of work!
WHO SUFFERS THE MOST?
The first thing that caught my attention and that I'd like
to point out is the indication that when marriages go sour, the couple involved
does not limit the suffering to just the two of them. Despite efforts to
minimize the hurt, the children always seem to suffer the most. I have seen
this first hand as I interact with 8 and 9 year olds on a daily basis as a 3rd
grade teacher. Divorce may seem like the most intellectual, reasonable, and
viable option for couples who struggle to make a happy home. But, as Dr.
Gottman points out, marital hostility that begins at home simply carries over
into the divorce and usually becomes even more elevated and miserable for the
poor children who become the ping pong balls in a constant battle for the upper
hand.
THE FOUR HORSEMEN
If more couples would take a moment to digest some of the
great advice Dr. Gottman offers in this book concerning repairing marriages
using the most basic principles found here, I believe firmly that the divorce
rate would take a rapid decline and children would be spared much of the
unhappy circumstances they find themselves in these days. He teaches that the
happiest marriages are based on true friendship and emotional maturity. He also
assures that some marital conflicts simply cannot and perhaps need not be
resolved.
The book outlines four signs that a marriage may be in
trouble. As I read this part, I began to insert my marriage into the scenarios
and found, unfortunately, that it fits some of these. This was troubling to me.
However, I also found that our mechanisms for overcoming these challenges are
often what Dr. Gottman recommends. I would like to focus my attention
particularly on the second sign...The Four Horsemen.
This second sign includes what is referred to as “The Four
Horsemen.” These are habits that married couples seem to acquire over the years
once the honeymoon is over and we realize that neither of us is even remotely
perfect.
·
The first is criticism,
involving harmful negative comments about your spouse. I’ll admit…I am guilty
of that on occasion. So is my husband. We tend to criticize because we know
each other so well. Still, it's not a good thing to do.
·
The next
horseman is contempt.
Contempt is extremely poisonous and typically leads to utter disgust between
spouses. We don’t have much of that in our marriage…whew!
·
Defensiveness is the third. These do not necessarily come about in order,
by the way. I am super guilty of defensiveness. I think we both are. When my
husband and I discuss issues, one or both of us is often on the defensive and
not open to the other person’s opinion or thoughts at times. We need to work on
being less defensive from the onset of a conversation.
·
And the last horseman is Stonewalling.
This is a great tactic used more often by my dear husband. Whenever I get
critical or defensive, he simply stops talking and basically stonewalls me. I
am guilty of turning around and giving it right back when he does. Where does
that get us? Nowhere! Dr. Gottman mentioned that men are especially good at
stonewalling. This frustrates me because I want to talk things out until it is
resolved. I am still looking for answers concerning how to prevent this from
continuing in our marriage.
 |
| Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling |
WHAT I LEARNED
Perhaps the greatest thing that I learned from these
chapters is that my marriage is not doomed because we fall victim to the four
horsemen and other signs that indicate trouble for married couples. We have one
thing in our corner that will help a marriage stay together. My husband and I
are friends. We are best friends, in fact...always have been. This is the key
to making marriage work in a nutshell. Dr. Gottman said that the foundation
to his approach is to strengthen the friendship that is the heart of any
marriage.
I am excited to
continue reading this book and sharing Dr. Gottman’s wisdom with anyone and
everyone that I can. I am excited to learn how to strengthen my friendship with
my husband. I believe that people give up on marriage way too easily in our
modern society. I don’t want to see any more children suffer as a result. I
wish I could buy a million copies of this book and pass them around the world!
Here is the link to Dr. Gottman's book. You can get it for less than $12 at Amazon.com.
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