Enhancing Love maps and Nurturing Fondness and Admiration

NURTURING FONDNESS

This week I learned what a Love Map is and how to nurture fondness and admiration for my spouse. I had studied this concept briefly before, but it did not become clear to me at that time that it could apply to my own currently happy marriage on many different levels. Dr. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, continues to intrigue me while prompting me as well to arrive at the conclusion that I still need to work on these particular aspects concerning my own marriage. No matter how happy a marriage may be, there is always room to nurture fondness and admiration for one another

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 QUOTES TO LIVE BY

“Marriage provides an ideal setting for overcoming any tendency to be selfish or self-centered.” Elder Richard G. Scott

“The secret of a happy marriage is to serve God and each other. The goal of marriage is unity and oneness, as well as self-development. Paradoxically, the more we serve one another, the greater is our spiritual and emotional growth.” President Ezra Taft Benson

I appreciate President Benson’s specific insight about spiritual and emotional growth. The idea that we are in continual need of growth from within provides for a more eternal perspective. An eternal marriage is eternally growing.

Questions to Ponder:

How do we enhance our love maps? 

How in tune are we with our spouse? 

How well do we know one another? 

How connected are we in our marriages?

A Love Map can help us address all of these questions and formulate ideas for nurturing fondness and admiration for one another. Gottman suggests that the Love Map questionnaire that he provides in his book can be a fun game for couples to play that will help them assess their marital strengths and needs. I will include a  list of these questions at the bottom of this post. Please feel free to play this game with your spouse. I plan to play this game with my husband this weekend to see how a couple of 23 years measures up. Stay tuned!

Love Map Questionnaire:

Exercise 1: The Love Map 20 Questions Game

Play this game together in the spirit of laughter and gentle fun. The more you play, the more you’ll learn

about the love maps concept and how to apply it to your own relationship

 Step 1. Each of you should take a piece of paper and pen or pencil. Together, randomly decide

on twenty numbers between 1 and 60. Write the numbers down in a column on the left-hand side of

your paper.

 Step 2. Below is a list of numbered questions. Beginning with the top of your column, match the

numbers you chose with the corresponding question. Each of you should ask your partner this question.

If your partner answers correctly (you be the judge), he or she receives the number of points indicated

for that question, and you receive one point. If your partner answers incorrectly, neither of you receives

any points. The same rules apply when you answer. The winner is the person with the higher score after you’ve both answered all twenty questions.

1. Name my two closest friends. (2)

2. What is my favorite musical group, composer, or instrument? (2)

3. What was I wearing when we first met? (2)

4. Name one of my hobbies. (3)

5. Where was I born? (1)

6. What stress am I facing right now? (4)

7. Describe in detail what I did today, or yesterday. (4)

8. When is my birthday? (1)

9. What is the date of our anniversary? (1)

10. Who is my favorite relative? (2)

11. What is my fondest unrealized dream? (5)

12. What is my favorite flower? (2)

13. What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios? (3)

14. What is my favorite time of day for lovemaking? (3)

15. What makes me feel most competent? (4)

16. What turns me on sexually? (3)

17. What is my favorite meal? (2)

18. What is my favorite way to spend an evening? (2)

19. What is my favorite color? (1)

20. What personal improvements do I want to make in my life? (4)

21. What kind of present would I like best? (2)

22. What was one of my best childhood experiences? (2)

23. What was my favorite vacation? (2)

24. What is one of my favorite weekend activities? (2)

25. Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)? (3)

26. What is my favorite sport? (2)

27. What do I most like to do with time off? (2)

28. What is one of my favorite weekend activities? (2)

29. What is my favorite getaway place? (3)

30. What is my favorite movie? (2)

31. What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I fell about them? (4)

32. What are some of my favorite ways to work out? (2)

33. Who was my best friend in childhood? (3)

34. What is one of my favorite magazines? (2)

35. Name one of my major rivals or “enemies.” (3)

36. What would I consider my ideal job? (4)

37. What do I fear the most? (4)

38. Who is my least favorite relative? (3)

39. What is my favorite Holiday? (2)

40. What kinds of books do I most like to read? (3)

41. What is my favorite TV show? (2)

42. Which side of the bed do I prefer? (2)

43. What am I most sad about? (4)

44. Name one of my concerns or worries. (4)

45. What medical problems do I worry about? (2)

46. What was my most embarrassing moment? (3)

47. What was my worst childhood experience? (3)

48. Name two of the people I most admire. (4)

49. Name my major rival or enemy. (3)

50. Of all the people we both know, who do I like the least? (3)

51. What is one of my favorite desserts? (2)

52. What is my social security number? (2)

53. Name one of my favorite novels. (2)

54. What is my favorite restaurant? (2)

55. What are two of my aspirations, hopes, wishes? (4)

56. Do I have secret ambition? What is it? (4)

57. What foods do I hate?

58. What is my favorite animal? (2)

59. What is my favorite song? (2)

60. Which sports team is my favorite? (2)

Play this game as frequently as you’d like. The more you play, the more you’ll come to understand the concept of a love map and the kind of information yours should include about your partner.

From The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PH.D.,

Covenant vs. Contract Marriage

Covenant Marriage vs. Contract Marriage

This week in my marriage class we discovered some key differences between a covenant marriage and a contract marriage. In a covenant marriage, each partner gives 100%...no less. In a contract marriage, each partner is only expected to give 50%...no more.

MY TEMPLE MARRIAGE

My marriage began as a covenant marriage nearly 23 years ago in the LDS Los Angeles temple. One of the ways that my husband and I ensured this type of marriage began even before our actual wedding. While we were dating, we practiced giving 100% on both ends. It wasn't always easy and did not come to either of us right away. One of the greatest tests of our relationship occurred when he served a 2 year mission for the Lord after about a year and a half of dating. We wrote faithfully to one another and really got to know each other better through our letters. We discussed our individual and collective hopes, dreams, goals, and ambitions and decided then and there that we would always put the Lord first in our lives...even if we didn't end up getting married to one another.

Once he returned home and we became engaged (3 years later, I might add - unheard of, right?), practicing selflessness and patience, we managed to lay a sure foundation for our future marriage during those courting years. We compromised during the planning of our wedding; supported one another in our personal ambitions and career goals; and, together, made goals for our future family that would involve and require personal compromises as well. We planned to be married and sealed for time and all eternity in the temple of the Lord and nowhere else. And we were, exactly a year later. Since that time, we have continued to keep these concepts and principles a part of our daily practice. We still have to work at it quite a bit, but it comes much more naturally now.

RENEWING COVENANTS

One of the best ways to renew covenants in a marriage is to attend the temple regularly. I am not aware of too many couples who are married outside of the temple who regularly revisit the place where they were bound as husband and wife to renew their promises to one another. That is so special to me. It definitely strengthens our bond and ensures a covenant marriage.

DOWNFALLS OF CONTRACT MARRIAGE

One of the downfalls of today’s contract marriage is the idea that it is only for time. And today, that usually means a very short time. Elder Bruce C. Hafen discussed some of the pitfalls that Satan has managed to slyly introduce into contract marriages in a wonderful article on “Covenant Marriage.” He taught that marriage partners are prone to fall victim to natural adversity, personal imperfections, and individualism. These are concepts that are accepted and expected within worldly relationships. Covenant marriages are devoid of these issues when each spouse gives 100% and introduces prayer, scripture study, and gospel principles into the marriage.

One of the worst ways, in my opinion, to doom a marriage from the very beginning is to enter into it with a prenuptial agreement. That is most-definitely a contract marriage. A covenant marriage, like my own, begins with the idea that this is an unbreakable, impenetrable, and binding contract of promises made between husband, wife, and the Lord.

To learn more about covenant marriage, please visit LDS.ORG and search for key words, TEMPLE MARRIAGE or COVENANT MARRIAGE.

Link to Elder Hafen’s article:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng

The Seven Basic Principles for Making Marriage Work

HAPPY AND SECURE MARRIAGES

Did you know that there are seven basic principles for making marriage work? Until this week, I certainly didn’t. In fact, I was pretty confident that my marriage was healthy and quite secure. As I read the first few chapters of Dr. John M. Gottman’s book by the appropriate title, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I realized that my happy and secure marriage could actually use a little work...perhaps a lot of work!

WHO SUFFERS THE MOST?

The first thing that caught my attention and that I'd like to point out is the indication that when marriages go sour, the couple involved does not limit the suffering to just the two of them. Despite efforts to minimize the hurt, the children always seem to suffer the most. I have seen this first hand as I interact with 8 and 9 year olds on a daily basis as a 3rd grade teacher. Divorce may seem like the most intellectual, reasonable, and viable option for couples who struggle to make a happy home. But, as Dr. Gottman points out, marital hostility that begins at home simply carries over into the divorce and usually becomes even more elevated and miserable for the poor children who become the ping pong balls in a constant battle for the upper hand.

THE FOUR HORSEMEN

If more couples would take a moment to digest some of the great advice Dr. Gottman offers in this book concerning repairing marriages using the most basic principles found here, I believe firmly that the divorce rate would take a rapid decline and children would be spared much of the unhappy circumstances they find themselves in these days. He teaches that the happiest marriages are based on true friendship and emotional maturity. He also assures that some marital conflicts simply cannot and perhaps need not be resolved.

The book outlines four signs that a marriage may be in trouble. As I read this part, I began to insert my marriage into the scenarios and found, unfortunately, that it fits some of these. This was troubling to me. However, I also found that our mechanisms for overcoming these challenges are often what Dr. Gottman recommends. I would like to focus my attention particularly on the second sign...The Four Horsemen.

This second sign includes what is referred to as “The Four Horsemen.” These are habits that married couples seem to acquire over the years once the honeymoon is over and we realize that neither of us is even remotely perfect.

·        The first is criticism, involving harmful negative comments about your spouse. I’ll admit…I am guilty of that on occasion. So is my husband. We tend to criticize because we know each other so well. Still, it's not a good thing to do.

·        The next horseman is contempt. Contempt is extremely poisonous and typically leads to utter disgust between spouses. We don’t have much of that in our marriage…whew! 

·        Defensiveness is the third. These do not necessarily come about in order, by the way. I am super guilty of defensiveness. I think we both are. When my husband and I discuss issues, one or both of us is often on the defensive and not open to the other person’s opinion or thoughts at times. We need to work on being less defensive from the onset of a conversation.

·         And the last horseman is Stonewalling. This is a great tactic used more often by my dear husband. Whenever I get critical or defensive, he simply stops talking and basically stonewalls me. I am guilty of turning around and giving it right back when he does. Where does that get us? Nowhere! Dr. Gottman mentioned that men are especially good at stonewalling. This frustrates me because I want to talk things out until it is resolved. I am still looking for answers concerning how to prevent this from continuing in our marriage. 

     Criticism              Contempt               Defensiveness             Stonewalling

WHAT I LEARNED

Perhaps the greatest thing that I learned from these chapters is that my marriage is not doomed because we fall victim to the four horsemen and other signs that indicate trouble for married couples. We have one thing in our corner that will help a marriage stay together. My husband and I are friends. We are best friends, in fact...always have been. This is the key to making marriage work in a nutshell. Dr. Gottman said that the foundation to his approach is to strengthen the friendship that is the heart of any marriage. 

I am excited to continue reading this book and sharing Dr. Gottman’s wisdom with anyone and everyone that I can. I am excited to learn how to strengthen my friendship with my husband. I believe that people give up on marriage way too easily in our modern society. I don’t want to see any more children suffer as a result. I wish I could buy a million copies of this book and pass them around the world!

Here is the link to Dr. Gottman's book. You can get it for less than $12 at Amazon.com.

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718/ref=pd_sim_14_4?ie=UTF8&refRID=0G52RXJ9M0SP941H49NN

Same-sex Marriage vs. Traditional Marriage

Same-sex vs. Traditional Marriage

PROPOSITION 8

Back in 2008 my family members and I participated in one of the most historical and perhaps politically monumental events of my lifetime. We put our money where our mouth was and stood out on street corners in favor of Proposition 8 in California. For those of you who don't remember, Prop 8 was centered around preserving traditional marriage and preventing the redefinition of marriage in the courts. It was an experience that my then 8 year old daughter and 11 year old son would never forget.

Traditional Marriage = Eternal Unions

TEST OF FAITH

As we all know, however, Prop 8 was overturned by a single appellate judge not too long after that landslide election to adopt Prop 8 into law. That was a low blow and a test of my children's faith in doing what's right. We were shocked and appalled that the peoples' word was no longer enough to pass and keep appropriate laws in this land. We felt threatened by the implication that it didn't matter what most of us want or feel the law should be. 

HOPE PREVAILS

The day that Prop 8 was overturned was the beginning of the threat to traditional family and to the election process in general. We wondered where our United States of America has gone. But we haven't given up hope and my children learned a great lesson about standing firm for what you believe in and not getting discouraged when Satan pushes back.

THREATS TO TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE

As I read the article, "The Overhauling of Straight America" by Marshall Kirk and Erastes Pill, I was quite amused and concerned all the same by the implication that straight America is basically idiotic. It was a real eye-opener and a wonderful way to present the threat to traditional marriage through the eyes of the opposition. 

SATAN’S TOOLS

Desensitization has been a tool used by Satan from the dawn of man. And that is exactly what the threat to traditional marriage aims to do. The article explains that the most effective tool for promoting gay marriage and same-sex unions is complacency. By using some very powerful tools, such as the media and influential public figures, this idea is not only eased nicely into everyday lifestyle, but it is cleverly disguised as normalcy as well. 

GOD’S LOVES US ALL

The homosexual community has painted itself as the "victim" in a war against what they deem to be normal everyday loving relationships. The problem is not that they are refrained from experiencing love. We want all people to have love, and lots of it! The issue goes much deeper than that. God's plan was for marriage to be a precursor to procreation and to eventual happy eternal families. 

According to the LDS Newsroom in an article titled, "The Divine Institution of Marriage,"God's purposes for establishing marriage have not changed. My views of traditional marriage have not changed either. I will defend it with all I have because it is God's law...a higher law. And I know that God will never use desensitizing tactics to promote His agenda. 

Article Links: 

http://library.gayhomeland.org/0018/EN/EN_Overhauling_Straight.htm

http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/the-divine-institution-of-marriage

To learn more about how the LDS Church views traditional marriage, I would encourage you to prayerfully read and consider this beautiful proclamation.

https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/english/pdf/36035_000_24_family.pdf