Charity and Understanding

  

HIGH EXPECTATONS:

According to John Gottman, people with the highest expectations in their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages. Who knew? It is commonly assumed that if we lower our expectations and allow our partner to “measure up” to lower expectations, we will have a happier marriage in the end. This is apparently not the case. This is perhaps something that I need to learn in my own marriage and in dealing with issues between my husband and me.

Gottman studied couples who adjusted to high levels of negativity, irritability, and emotional disconnect were not as happy or satisfied with their marriages years later. On the contrary, those who did not want to put up with negativity and who encouraged their partner to confront the issue nicely when things got defensive ended up being more satisfied with their marriages years later.

CHARITY:

I wonder if I am doing the right thing by bringing up issues in my marriage. Sometimes I feel as if it was counterproductive and that perhaps I shouldn’t have even brought up the issue at hand. It makes me feel even more upset sometimes when we can’t really come up with a solution to the issue. I do see resulting changes that take place over time, however.  The key, according to Goddard, is to understand and actively promote charity for your spouse. One way to begin to introduce more charity in a marriage is to get rid of the garbage. Gottman calls this "marital poop."

MARITAL POOP:

Gottman also has a way with words as he introduces some helpful ways to “sniff out the marital poop” in a relationship. We have to admit that sometimes we just stink at marriage! Here are some great questions that we should first ask ourselves that will help us detect any “marital poop” that is festering. Gottman recommends that we revisit these questions often in order to keep our marriage free from the junk that can pile up.

Have you felt irritable and not yourself lately?
Are you feeling emotionally distant from your spouse?
Do you just want to be somewhere other than here?
Have you been feeling lonely?
Do you feel as though you’re always angry?
Are you feeling out of touch and far away from your spouse?
Would you like to feel closer to your spouse?

Have you been feeling tension between the two of you lately?
Have you felt irritable and not yourself lately?
Are you feeling emotionally distant from your spouse?
Do you just want to be somewhere other than here?
Have you been feeling lonely?
Do you feel as though you’re always angry?
Are you feeling out of touch and far away from your spouse?
Would you like to feel closer to your spouse?
Have you been feeling tension between the two of you lately?

ACKNOWLEDGE EACH OTHER'S DREAMS:

One of the steps that Gottman recommends for understanding your spouse is to recognize and acknowledge his or her dreams. Perhaps this is where I need the most work. I see my husband's dreams as lofty and unattainable. Since we have been married for quite some time, I always assume that I know what his dreams are. But lately, I have noticed that his dreams are not always the same. They change with age. Instead of considering my husband's dreams as impossible to attain, I could stand to recognize them, allow him to share them, and support his desire to fulfill his dreams. After all, if anyone can accomplish such lofty ambitions, my husband is the guy. He is the most committed and driven person I know and he never gives up on anything.

"CHARITY NEVER FAILETH":

Once you have sniffed out the "marital poop" and have turned toward your spouse with a sincere offering of charity, ridding your marriage of anger and resentment and recognizing their dreams instead of focusing on your own, the miracle can then occur. You can both become disciples of Christ by emulating His unconditional love for one another. Gottman said that "The surest mark of discipleship is the love for all people - i.e. charity." Marital love...the pure love of Christ is the key to a lasting and happy life together. Who wouldn't want that?

Anger, Compromise, & Effective Solutions

  

ANGER:

“Anger is a yielding to Satan’s influence by surrendering our self-control. It is the thought-sin that leads to hostile feelings or behavior. It is the detonator of road rage on the freeway,         flare-ups in the sports arena, and domestic violence in homes.” 

Agency and Anger - Elder Lynn G. Robbins Of the Seventy

I have taught 3^rd grade for over 10 years now and one of the most important posters that has adorned my classroom wall says, “ANGER IS ONLY ONE LETTER SHORT OF DANGER.” That is true of any relationship – whether it concerns 8 year olds or 80 year olds - and anger can certainly destroy a marriage.

My husband and I grew up in homes with many siblings and witnessed a great deal of anger over the years. When we got married, we made a pact to never let anger become an acceptable emotion in our household. We have kept to that pact because we realized growing up how anger can drive away the Holy Spirit and destroy the peace in our home. As Elder Robbins has stated, anger is ‘yielding to Satan’s influence’ and where Satan is welcome, the Spirit cannot and will not dwell. Anger is indeed a danger.

 

HATRED:

Hatred is another of cunning Satan’s tools. He is the king of hatred and animosity. Elder James E. Faust once taught that “Hatred retards spiritual growth..” Part of our spiritual growth is to embrace a higher law in all capacities of life…a celestial law. Since my husband and I have been married in the temple of the Lord for time and all eternity, we should be prepared to live that celestial law and practice it in our marriage daily in order to ensure a celestial marriage.

In Chapter 6 in this week’s reading, Goddard mentioned a talk by President Benson in which he explained that the ‘celestial law is not an economic experiment.’ Elder Maxwell adds that when we live that law, we actually ‘surrender to victory.’ By practicing a spirit of total submission, Goddard explains that we can be liberated as we offer our ‘whole soul’ to our spouse and, as Abraham of old did for the Lord concerning his son, Isaac, lay everything upon the altar.

NEGATIVITY:

Gottman says that we must overcome each negative with five positives. I have a system of rewards for my 3^rd graders where they earn “warm fuzzies” for every compliment they get from another teacher. But a “neglament,” as I like to call it when someone complains about their behavior, will automatically remove three warm fuzzies from the jar. It takes many more of the positive reinforcements to undo the negative ones. Once they get their jar filled to the top with the warm fuzzies, we have a party. So, in a strange sense, I guess I have had the same idea and agree with Gottman in his assessment of positive vs. negative effects. Once the damage is done, it is difficult to smooth things over with a spouse as well. Goddard says that eternal relationships must be built ‘one brick at a time’ and will withstand the winds of change and as a result. So how do we do this?

GOOD MANNERS:

I really appreciate the fact that Gottman has narrowed down some of the ways that we can have a more ‘perfect marriage.’ He does this by basically suggesting that we must practice something we have been taught all of our lives…good manners. His fifth principle details five steps to resolving marital conflicts – or any conflict in any relationship for that matter. These are the steps he mentions in Chapter 8: 

1. Soften your start-up
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults

 

FAMILY TIME:

This week I am spending time with my parents and seven siblings at a family reunion. All of our families have gathered in one place to celebrate our parents’ 50^th wedding anniversary. Of course, we had to ask our parents if it was all worth it. Their reply (primarily from the words of my mom) was simply, “It hasn’t been perfect by any stretch of the word, but we have learned to feel that we are perfect for one another.” Isn’t that what it’s all about?

Humility and Repentance -Antidotes to Pride

Beware of Pride:

President Ezra Taft Benson wrote an insightful talk concerning pride (Beware of Pride) and the pitfalls that almost always accompany prideful thoughts and actions. John M. Gottman, PH.D., explains two types of marital conflict that stem from individual pride - solvable and perpetual. H. Wallace Goddard, PH.D., discusses the ways that we can overcome pride in our marriages through repentance and humility. Reading these words of wisdom over the past few days promoted deep thought and consideration about my own daily struggles to avoid pride. I am sure that we can all relate on some level. Satan wants us to be prideful. Pride is one of the greatest of the deadly sins.

Enmity:

President Benson taught that "the central feature of pride is enmity - enmity toward God, and enmity toward our fellowmen." Pride usually manifests itself when we are in direct competition with the will of God. Victims of pride cannot accept the will of God. They hope that God's will, instead, will adjust to their own. This applies in marriage as well. While I am not in the habit of resisting the will of God, I often hope that my husband's will can adjust to reflect my own. I need to rid myself of selfish pride and understand why my husband feels the way he does. Goddard outlines in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage that the antidote to pride is humility. I often forget to humble myself and think about my husband's feelings and thoughts on certain matters that concern me. By making more of an effort to humbly examine my husband's viewpoints, perhaps pride will not be one of my deadly sins.

 Solving Disagreements:

Disagreements can either be perpetual or solvable, according to Gottman'sThe Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He offers five great ways for a married couple to solve issues that they may believe are perpetual in nature. These are the things he suggests:

1. Make sure your start-up is softer rather than harsh.

2. Learn the effective use of repair attempts.

3. Monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding.

4. Learn how to compromise.

5. Become more tolerant of each others' imperfections.

My Thoughts:

I can certainly take these five bits of advice and implement them into my 23 year marriage. Although I am probably pretty good at #3, learn how to compromise, I could certainly benefit from making my start-ups a bit softer, get better at my use of repair attempts, watch for signs of flooding during tense discussions, and become more tolerant of my husband's imperfections. It appears that I have a great deal of work ahead of me in my relationship. It is a good relationship with very little volatility for the most part. However, after many years of marriage, we still experience tense moments when we don't do as Goddard suggests and strive for the Mind of Christ. Becoming more Christlike in our daily encounters by removing pride from our personal lives and more particularly in our marriage can keep our marriage strong and allows us to don the "robe of righteousness," as Goddard suggests.

 Turning Toward One Another

Recognize Emotional Needs

This week's study brings us to the realization that one of the keys to a lasting and happy marriage lies in turning toward one another and not away. I think I needed to read this more than anything because I often forget to turn toward my husband and try to understand where he's coming from before assessing my own "needs" in our relationship. The relieving part is realizing (according to Gottman) that "Couples often ignore each other's emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice." I know that my ignorance to my husband's emotional needs does not stem from malice. I need to be more mindful of his needs and more attentive to what will turn my heart toward his.

Make Deposits to Your Emotional Bank Account

Dr. Gottman also explained that we need to keep an emotional bank account. This involves keeping an account in your head concerning the amount of connection between you and your spouse, even in little ways. It is not a competition, but a way for each person to keep an accounting of the small but meaningful connections that strengthen a marriage. It is not keeping score, just a way to be mindful of your spouse's needs. I have been doing this all week long and it really works. It is sort of like keeping Christ in our hearts and thoughts more often. When we hone in on turning more toward our spouse, our love becomes more Christlike and it grows stronger and stronger. 

 

Do We Often Have Double Standards?

One question to ask ourselves is why it is unforgivable when our spouse does something against us, and it's simply a 'mistake' when the shoe is on the other foot. It is natural for us to feel that way, but we need to change that perspective. According to H. Wallace Goddard, the Lord has "an amazing ability to transform our bad decisions into growth." I am often guilty of making off-the-cuff remarks and rash generalizations about my husband - deciding for him what he thinks of me. One of the ways that I have found to remedy those crazy notions and get over myself is to show more love for him; do more for him; and pray for him noting specific understanding of his daily challenges. Suddenly, I am able to transform my entire attitude and recall why I married him in the first place. That is exercising emotional intelligence.

Using Symbols to Define Your Marriage 

Chapter 11 in Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work stood out to me in particular. He discussed symbols and how they sometimes define marriages. Some people have symbols in their home that remind them of special things and beliefs, such as crosses or statues. In our home, along with paintings and sculptures of Christ's beautiful ministry, we picked up on a symbol that reminds us of our annual family vacation to Bryce Canyon. We have decorated our home with Kokopelli "guys" as we refer to them. They are a symbol of fertility by legend, but it simply reminds us of the place we like to tent camp, relax, and enjoy two weeks in God's most beautiful country as a family. It is our "happy place," you might say. So, whenever I run across a cute item with a Kokopelli guy on it, I get it for my husband. He does the same for me. Symbols can indeed strengthen a marriage...who knew?